Core Tip: With the Spring Festival approaching, everyone is looking forward to returning home to reunite with their parents. However, for those who have started their own families, a dilemma arises: whose home should they return to for the festival? Both the husband's and wife's families have elderly parents who deserve their filial piety. Where should they go for New Year's Eve?
A daughter-in-law from out of town has a deep-seated anxiety about going home for the New Year.
Ms. Xiao is from another province. After living away from home for over 20 years, the Spring Festival is the only time she can return to her hometown to be with her parents and fulfill her filial duties. However, after starting a family in Kunming, the inability to return to her parents' home for the festival has become a constant source of distress for her.
"In the past, I always celebrated New Year's Eve in Kunming, and I feel truly guilty towards my parents. They raised me with such difficulty. I don't have time to visit them regularly, and now I can't even go home for a family reunion dinner during the New Year. Although my parents haven't said anything, I know they are very disappointed!"
Last year, Ms. Xiao asked her parents-in-law if she could go back to her hometown for the New Year, and they agreed. "However, they couldn't hide their dissatisfaction afterwards. But thinking about the happiness I felt from the long-lost family reunion with my parents last year, I still want to go back to my parents' home this year. But how can I bring this up with my parents-in-law and my husband?"
Only children want to go to their own parents' homes.
"Every year, my husband and I have terrible fights over whose home we should go to for the New Year!" Li Yan, who has been married for three years, counted on her fingers: "In the first year of our marriage, I spent the New Year at my parents-in-law's house, and my parents complained, saying I was a married daughter, like water poured out, who should no longer belong to our family. Last year, I took my husband back to my parents' home, and my parents-in-law gave me a cold shoulder."
Li Yan and her husband are both only children, and neither can bear to let their parents spend New Year's Eve alone. Now, the question of whose home to visit has put them on edge. "We start a fight every time this topic comes up. He only thinks about his parents, what about mine?! His parents want to see their grandson, and so do my parents!" Li Yan said indignantly. If neither of them gives in, she said, they won't go to either family's home this year and will just stay in their own.
Many people are caught in this difficult "Spring Festival dilemma." In a random survey of 20 married individuals by a reporter, it was found that 80% of couples have argued over whose home to visit for the New Year, and some couples have even gone as far as divorce because of it.
Folklore expert: Filial piety is not bound by form.
Wang Zihua, a professor and master's supervisor in folklore at the School of Humanities of Yunnan University of Nationalities, suggests: "Filial piety doesn't have to be confined to a specific form."
P>Professor Wang believes that if both sets of parents live in the same city, the best solution is to invite both families to celebrate together. This way, the emotional needs of both parents are met, and it can also strengthen the bond and mutual understanding between the two families. "If you only satisfy the needs of one family during the New Year, the other family will inevitably be neglected. This not only easily causes conflict between the parents-in-law but can also affect the relationship between the couple. Filial piety is a traditional Chinese virtue that should not be lost, but the form it takes can be diverse."Netizen Opinions
Shuiyunjian: What's the problem? Women have been spending the New Year at their husband's family's home for thousands of years. Now that even buying a marital home is considered a matter of equality between men and women, why can't they spend the New Year at the wife's family's home?
Baihe: I just don't get it. Why must it be at the husband's parents' home? The New Year is supposed to be a joyful occasion, but I feel awkward and uncomfortable with my mother-in-law. Now I don't even want to celebrate the New Year.
Si Ceng Xiang Shi: If you had a son, would you want your daughter-in-law to give birth to your grandchildren, be filial to you, and also spend the New Year at your home every year, calling it her duty and responsibility? If so, then keep your son at home forever and don't let him get married. See which woman is willing to marry him and save yourself the trouble of all these issues and the embarrassment. Traditionally, men had to prepare a betrothal gift, have a house, and earn a living to support the family, while women gave birth to children and were filial to their parents-in-laws. But how many men give betrothal gifts now? How many men expect women to share the responsibility of buying a house? How many men not only expect women to single-handedly bear the burden of childbirth, caring for the family and the parents-in-laws, but also want them to earn money to support the family?
Shouhouxingzhiyuan: In the past, we'd go to the husband's parents' home on New Year's Eve and return to the wife's parents' home on the second day. As children, who doesn't love their own parents more? We are both only children, so following the traditional model is unfair. The fairest way is to take turns spending the New Year at each home. Communicate patiently with your husband and get both sets of parents to understand. This distress is finally solved. Everyone should give it a try. If it really doesn't work, then stick to the traditional model. When our children grow up, they will break the traditions. The 80s and 90s generations will bring about a change!
Huanghun: If a couple's relationship is truly strong, the question of whose home to visit for the New Year is not really an issue. Both are parents. If you can't go to one home, just communicate in a timely manner. The elderly will understand. Which parents don't want their children to be happy? Paying more attention to the elderly on a regular basis is more meaningful than arguing about whose home to visit. The children's happiness is the greatest wish for the elderly. Stop fighting and stop blaming each other. Life is tough enough, and every problem has a solution. You young husbands and wives should cherish your partners. Why make things difficult for yourselves and your loved ones over the New Year?
Shuai de mei li you: That's my situation too. My child is over 2 years old and is cared for by my mother (the child's maternal grandmother). My husband and I go to his parents' home for the New Year. Both families live relatively close. The child is very attached to my mother (looks for her at night), but the paternal grandmother also wants the child to spend the New Year with her. It's hard to disappoint the elderly. Should the child spend the New Year with the maternal or paternal grandmother family? I see more support for the maternal grandmother's home and opposition to the paternal grandmother's. I think whichever side has more support should win.
Shuiyunjian: When it comes to this, the men stop talking about gender equality and start citing traditional customs. But they didn't mention this when buying a house. The new marriage law certainly doesn't mention it either.
Da: Save up to buy a bigger house and invite both sets of parents over before the New Year. Problem solved in one go.
Blessing: Put aside selfishness and adopt the correct perspective: spend the New Year in your own home, and then as a family of three, visit your parents to pay your respects. Let each parent stay over the night if they wish, and don't force the other out of selfishness. The New Year is about happiness. People should be rational and reasonable.